.d e s p o n d e n t d r e a m e r.

who knows what miracles you can achieve?

2010-01-02T03:41:00.001+08:00

Just as I have promised, dear followers, I am keeping this blog alive!

I find it saddening how I've had to lower my standards just to keep this blog going on. I mean, in my normal sense, I would be making this as in depth and lengthy as I possibly could, without the intention of sounding too much or exaggerating things to a different level. I just wanted to give every side of every story, and each thought that goes through my head as I face each situation, like how I panicked and what I envisioned and what I went through and how I had wanted to go through that situation. Now, I just type for the sake of typing. It's pitiful. I'm pitiful. Even Barney Stinson wouldn't bother to go... wait for it... wait for it.... LEGENDARY! on me.

Aside from my rant of just how pitiful I see myself, before I go on recounting the events of my past year and realizing just how the pros and cons of 2009 weigh against each other, I need to get this out of my system. I used to find it exciting and amazing, now it's just been bothering me for hours now.

1:00 AM of this said day. I received a message about someone being sad of their DLSU exam results. Of course, being who I am and how absentminded I can be about these things, I completely forgot that the results of the DLSU exam would be released on the first week of January of this fine, new year. I was just cruising away, minding my own business and trying to come up with a sure-fire way to cram all my homeworks in one day, when I received that message. I couldn't just ignore the nagging feeling inside me that I wanted... no, NEEDED to see my own results. It was like triggering the craziness inside Adolf Hitler to go ahead and start butchering people without a care whatsoever for their rights. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was how the Holocaust started.

*ahem*

Where was I? OH YEAH. IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER LIKE A LITTLE DWEEB.

*ahem*

Back to my confusing little story. Because I never managed to memorize the url of DLSU even though I spent hours surfing through their prospectus for their offered courses, I had to google the site and spent at least 10 minutes trying to find the right link.

Let me tell you, if they had just posted that the EXAM RESULTS WERE OUT in nice, bold, huge, capital letters in their homepage, it would have been easier for the thousands of teenagers who took their entrance exams to look for their results. AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?! (If you work for DLSU and you read this, please don't sue me. I'm too young to die)

After I managed to find the site, it took me another ten minutes to compose and ready myself for whatever results I would see. Which were none, because I lost the exam permit.

End of story.

...

Or is it?

LOL. No, it is not, my subconsciousness reminds me.

And no, it really isn't!

Because after panicking for a few moments, I remembered that I gave the paper to my dear mother! YAY! So I went to their room and asked, with a blank yet obviously worried face, I told them that I could already see the results, I just needed the paper. Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: Alam niyo ba... -long, pregnant, the dinosaurs were made, lived and went extinct pause- pwede ko nang makita yung results ng LaSalle sa internet? *(Did you know that I can already look for the results of my LaSalle entrance exam on the internet?)

MOM: O? Talaga? (Oh? Really?)

ME: Oo! Kailangan ko nalang yung exam permit kasi nandun yung reference number ko. Yung binigay ko sayo pagkatapos nung exam. (Yes! I just need the exam permit because the reference number was written there,the one I gave you after the exam.)

DAD: Nako. Wala na yan. Yan pa. (Oh no. It's definitely gone.)

MOM: Kailangan mo bang tignan? Eh diba alam na naman natin ano yung resulta? (Do you still need to look at it? Don't we already know the results?)

- It was at this point that I realized just how my parents had completely given up hope of me getting into DLSU and that they just had me take the exam for the sake of taking it but had never believed that I would get in. Saddening really, and they call themselves parents.

ME: Ehhh.

-while my mom rummages through her mound of crap, looking for where the hell she placed the permit-

DAD: Ako lang ba sa pamilya na to ang may kakayahang makapasok sa DLSU? (Am I only one in this family who could get into DLSU?)

At this point, my mom finds the permit and hands it over to me, and I stick my tongue out at my dad.

ME: Mababa pa kasi yung standards nung panahon mo tsaka wala pang masyadong ineexam! -escapes room before she is given a good telling to-

I then, with sweaty hands and shaky fingers, while on her side of the room, my sister is laughing out loud to some video she is watching on the internet and completely oblivious to the argument I have having to myself inside (see just how much I deviate from a story? but it's good, isn't it? admit it! BWAHAHAHA), type in the necessary stuff to get my results and then...

...

... I watch a bit more of an episode of the fourth season of That 70's Show that I was watching before all this happened. It was taking long for the page to load!

...

... And then there this was!

I GOT ACCEPTED! HURRAH!

I felt like crying and screaming and pushing and hurting and cheering all at once. Really. Seriously. It was that confusing. With a smirk on my face, wearing my extra huge old LSGH Salamanders t-shirt with a very odd drawing of salamanders diving into a pool and my pale blue jogging pants with the word VOLLEYBALL written on the left pant and A&F on the right one, I ran out of the room and burst into my parents' door! And this was the conversation that followed:

ME: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (I would type this longer but you'd just get bored. Just know that this went on for about a minute) PASADO AKO! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Almost a minute again) ACCEPTED DAW! kaso computer science! pero PUMASA AKO! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I then go on to flash my finger and my thumb in the shape of an L on my forehead to my dad, who thought that he was the only one in this family that would get accepted to DLSU and my mom, who didn't really believe I'd get in.

And now I realize the full extent of what happened.

Computer Science is definitely not my choice at all. If it were up to me, I would never ever choose anything that had Science in it (excluding the Bachelor of Science shenanigan) and just combining it with the confusion of Computer would be doubling the fact that it shall be difficult. All I ever wanted to take up in college is Literature or Journalism (but now that several journalists got massacred and the Philippines has been named as one of the top most dangerous countries for journalists, I hardly doubt that I'll be allowed to take that too), but Literature has always been a second choice in the universities I applied to. The choice that my dad had for me (my mom didn't really mind) always came first and now look.

My dad is dedicated to DLSU since that's where he went. He chose Computer Science for me. The way that's going, he'll definitely be pushing me to take that course at DLSU and I definitely cannot. Computer Science would pose to be too difficult for me and knowing that I just love to take up Literature at DLSU would be painful, knowing just how near I was to getting that dream course at the dream school to take it and I didn't make it. Get what I'm saying here? I'm stuck.

LITERATURE! WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN ELUSIVE?!

So that's my problem. Hopefully I'll get into the other universities I applied for, especially UST where I signed up for Literature as well. I hugely wish that I got into the Literature Course in DLSU, but I know I can't change anything now. I always thought I had the possibility, with the lengths I have gone to repeatedly prove that I am capable of writing and writing damn well, but now... I don't know.

Still, I am grateful that I got into DLSU. Now I have a fall back school! YAY! xDD

On another note, this is the first miracle of the year for me. A sign of better things to come.

`kowkow diam

another one bites the dust

2009-12-31T20:57:00.001+08:00

As I lay in bed typing this, about a hundred or thousands of people in my country are setting off firecrackers, turning off their stoves and preparing plates, spoons and forks and digging around for that special polka-dotted piece of clothing that they bought especially for this occasion.

Ahhh, folks. Another year leaveth, another year cometh for thee. Cannot believe another year has passed and yet I still feel as though the things that happened then JUST happened. Get it? Like they didn't happen months or a year ago. Sigh. The cons of getting older? (Hot dangit, I am so near to turning 18, it isn't even funny anymore)

This isn't going to be one of those lengthy blog posts I always do. It was supposed to be, but I never found the time, the inspiration and the right words to get what I want to tell you all, so I am resorting to whatever my brain can churn out right now.

2009 has given me a lot that even I am not sure if I should be grateful for. Honestly, there has been a lot of downs than ups, but I try to ignore that fact rather than let myself be dampened on this fine night. Suffice to say that most of the problems I have put off for so long have come to haunt me, particularly the one about my college course which jumped out of the ocean and took a huge bite off my ass after I tricked it with a piece of meat. College results are near to being released and I find myself the only senior not at all excited at this prospect because most of the courses I signed up for are courses that I don't like. College is so near and so attainable (provided I pass Physics and Trigonometry/Algebra which is.... LOL) and yet I still don't want to leave.

As 2010 comes, I want to look at things from a new perspective. Stop there, let me correct it, I want to live life from a new perspective. I have been so laid back and relaxed and nonchalant about everything for so long that I'm pretty sure that in the near future, everything will blow up in my face and I wouldn't have any idea how to fix it. This year, I am going to make sure that most of the difficulties I face will be faced as soon as possible, no matter how much my hand is shaking and my heart is failing. 2010 seems like a good year. It's graduation year, or at least hopefully, so I have to make it as memorable as possible as a Theresian.

I cannot deny that I will miss 2009. So many memories have been made in the course of that two thousand and ninth set of 365 days since Christ came. So in the light of that, I would like to say that in the next days or weeks, I will be recounting the memories I have made last 2009. No, this is not a countdown of the top tens or twenties or hundreds, because I will be retelling ALL the memories I find worth remembering. Okay, not just those worth remembering, but those that I actually listed down on my amazing 2009 calendar. Trust me, I was very vigilant in writing down those things that happened in everyday, even the day that I started having a crush on someone. LOL.

So we all have that to look forward to: you for reading and me for looking back and having a good laugh about everything.

This is me. I'm flawed, I'm hopeless, I'm the least bit emotional and at times, I can be tactless and emotionless and uncaring, but I have survived a year with friends by my side, my family behind me and my heart still beating, and that's all that matters. God has given me a chance still to start a new year and do it well, so I am taking His challenge.

HAPPY

NEW

YEAR

EVERYONE!

` kowkow diam

_________________________________________________

EATING: brownies i just baked :D yum yum yum, delicioso! xDD

READING: all together dead by charlaine harris. read it before, just repeating it.

FEELING: crummy and bored. :|

WEARING: my FOB shirt and navy blue shorts. and undies.

LISTENING TO: countdown at 89.9 BAD ROMANCE! LADY GAGA!

THINKING ABOUT: how weird yesterday was and how i can't remember half the things i said.

. b a t m a n f a i l e d t o r e t u r n e m a i l .

2009-05-29T05:43:00.000+08:00

chyeah.

i asked batman to look after my blogger site.

he failed.

HE EPIC FAILED DOODZ.

so now i am back to taking care of this shizz right hurr.

and making it the purtiest thing you have ever seen.

because it is purrrty like katy purry. but i am not. HAHA.

last update was like fooshizzlegoodoogoodle seconds ago.

i am an epic fail too. like batman. BITE ME.

ranting ranting ranting. blah blah blah.

am in cwj. whoo. surprises. haha. i had no idea.

sarcasm rulez btw. WHAT? DIDN'T KNOW? goshstupid.

hmm. people are bitching about kris allen and making stuff up about cheating.

and he's still humble about it.

he even said ADAM DESERVES TO WIN THIS.

doodz, don't bitch on a good guy. you might make him bad.

and that is like, the ultimatest sin against holy god almighty jesus.

so yeah, PEEPZ, LAY OFF KRIS ALLEN.

he's not exactly my vote either, i was rooting for allison iraheta.

but everyone deserved the chance for that spotlight and for that title.

i saw his progress. he made it. he did it. he was good. he was great.

and now he's america's eight idol. DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE ON.

in other news.

my review has finished.

it was crap.

teachers were crap.

except for sir gino. he was cool, even though he slightly resembled crocker (no offense if he's reading this)

lessons were crap.

lunch was good. HAHA.

hmm.

have i mentioned...

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER? -trek salute-

doodz. it is the BEST FRICKING MOVIE OF THE WHOLE YEAR.

even harry potter won't top it, in my opinion. for me, okayz?

see. i hate daniel radcliffe. he's changed. he's not the innocent, wide eyed wonder boy of before.

he's pale. he went nude (but since its for art, that's nothing now), he's prolly gay, i dunno.

stiiill... i like rupert. i won't bitch about dan. that's not fair to him.

rupert's great. especially in driving lessons. dan keeps overshadowing him in HP. DL was good.

hmmm. what else should i say that batman was supposed to say?

manchester united lost to barcelona. EPIC FAILZ.

cristiano ronaldo, what did you do?!

and rooney, man?

AND WHERE WAS CARLOS TEVEZ AND DIMITAR BERBATOV?!

i am ashamed, ferguson. i am very ashamed, and you should be too.

in fact, you should be more ashamed than me.

you not only let england down, you let THE WHOLE WORLD DOWN.

because i was let down.

and that means the whole world. HAHAHA.

i miss sweetie and babe, my two BBFLAB.

yeah. BFFLAB = best friends for life and beyond.

i invented that. and now i copyright it. and patent it. so i get paid everytime you use it. HA.

i still love skandar. i think i always will.

if i become a musician, i shall write him a song.

and then i'll make CHECK THE GATE an official song.

and did i mention that alex pettyfer is equally amazing?

loved him since he was announced to play alex rider. frigging schweet and hawt.

hmm. that's all for now. i need to leave some rant juice for my next equally crappy blog post.

SKANTASTIC DIAM FTW EPIC WIN LIKE WHOA signing off.

.m y d e f p o s s e.

2009-01-25T19:40:00.000+08:00

in lieu of the new year and the possibilities of me getting killed tomorrow (wherein i don't really understand what that has to do with this decision), i decided to do my best to keep this blog alive. really, you'd be thinking at this moment, "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. HER? IMPOSSIBLE." but quoting a line from the unbelievable commercial of Coke (where I seriously believe the dude in the floater because coke zero really does taste differently from the original coke and from coke light), "NOTHING'S IMPOSSIBLE... BABE."

so yeah. keep an eye out for this thang right hurr. i'm gonna make this work, i promise. my next post will probably contain updates of my life since my last post, which was around november 2008. yeah, i'm a useless blogger. forgive me, i used to believe i can actually write well, and now... yeah, its a hopeless case and i'm completely untalented, sue me.

cause nothing's impossible babe,
devast8ed17dreamer

.a g e o f t h e u n d e r s t a t e m e n t.

2008-11-19T21:53:00.000+08:00

so yeah...

i don't know why the hell i got this award from mademoiselle roleen camille delos reyes. i haven't updated my blog in like... a pretty freaking long time, so muchos gracias to you. i don't really think i deserve it, since i haven't been much of a great blogger, but if you give it to me, i take it, no questions asked. haha.

one of the most shizztastical people in my life gave me this. ROLEEN! :D

NOMINATING: tori, sam, cel, daphne, aren, lia, andi, kyra, zee and mayonn.

Once accepting this award, the rules as follows:

-Put the logo on your blog.
-Add a link to the person who awarded you.
-Nominate 10 other blogs.
-Leave a message for your nominees on their blogs.

i'm posting today just for the heck of it. after four hours of algebra tutor, i feel my brain has turned to mush and i could just tip my head to the side and it'll all come out of my ear for the dog to eat. seriously, LINEAR PROGRAMMING for FOUR HOURS?! who wouldn't get fucking pissed with that? especially the fact that my tutor doesn't really know how linear programming goes and we spent an hour each for FOUR NUMBERS. gahh. she pisses me off. and she kept on insisting there was a clerical error on teh book and that her answer was right and the book's was wrong. NUH UH. eengk. WRONG ANSWER.

school just recently FUCKED THE HELL OUT OF ME. there's a certain someone that i used to like because she was really cool and stuff, but now i know how unfair she can be and a real hotheaded person. she was being incredibly unreasonable and she didn't even took the time to understand our side of the story before she went off and made life a living nightmare for us. if only i had the guts, i would totally do what everyone wants to do and piss the piss out of her, if you get my drift. gahh. and i used to really like her email! i thought we were BOOK SERIES BUDDIES. we could've talked about peter and susan and edmund and lucy and aslan and caspian and tirian and rilian and eustace and jill and digory and polly and tumnus and cor and everyone else. now she's just being a bitch to all of us and as much as i don't want to hold it against her, i can't. all for one and one for all.

i'm not in good posting condition today, but then again, when was i ever? my life has been in a constant downhill lately, and i've found myself in a frequent attack of the mood swings. a lot of things seem to piss me off all of a sudden and i can't bring myself to stop them. i mean, i don't really find it easy to hold a grudge against anybody, even if i really didn't like what they did to me, but now... i dunno. my world just seems to be turning topsy turvy. yaaay. let the fuuhnage start.

oh, have you seen my turtle pencil case? it's name is TURTLAGE. he is all bits of AWESOME. an idiot with a name starting with J and ending with H said it was a CATERPILLAR. yeah, where the hell did she get that idea?

anyways, i'm off to procrastinate, something i seem to be really great in. i just finished reading PEARL HARBOR and am happy about the fact that i have not seen it before reading the book. the book's pretty amazing and i cried on the last part. DAMN. HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DIED. am also happy to learn josh hartnett is in the movie. yay for josh! will probably watch it later on.

rest assured, i'll post better stuff than this later on. i don't really like this post. its short. its too... unlike me. xDD

pissed off at all the piss in this world,
devast8ed17dreamer

.d e v i l i n d i s g u i s e.

2008-10-13T17:44:00.001+08:00

hmmm.

when did i last post in my blog? a day? a week? a month? a year? dunno really.

anyways, welcome back to turkish delights with your host, moi, kowkow diam. haha.

so... my last post was created at the spur of the moment and with an influx of emotions, so we won't consider that. haha. my last DECENT post was about the rock n rule concert. HOLY CRAP, that was months ago.

i am freakishly bored at home. let's recount the shit that has happened to me since i last posted in my blog:

1) i went to the PATD concert with my MU, tori tadiar and my beloved love, sam gonzales. it was great! well... i didn't know 3/4 of the songs they played, but i saw their hotness close up so it was good. the guard was a git because he would slap the back of the seats of those who were standing on the seats so it'll wobble and you'll be forced to get off. hey, you could've asked nicely, you fucker. haha.

2) i went to the BLG mall tour. IT WAS AAAAAWESOME. martin johnson is really as hot as i thought he was. and so was john. and paul. and bryan. at the trinoma concert, we were up at the second floor so it was hard to really see their faces and their expressions, but i could see them clearly and MARTIN WAS... *dies* y'know? and we had this incident with john keefe wherein we were rushing up the escalator because they were about to start and while we were waiting to reach the top, we spotted him with his drum sticks at the back stage, just waiting to come on. he was looking around at the crowd, probably sizing up just how many people came, then he suddenly spotted us and he was just looking. we shouted "HII !! " in a really fangirly style and he shouted, "Hi!" back at us. it was SHIZZTASTICAL. john keefe is amazing. and friendly. the trinoma experience was amazing, especially with aren to keep me company as i sang all their songs with them, because she was the only one in our group who also memorized all the songs. the next day, i also went to the glorietta mall tour. it was disappointing to say the least, because aren was supposed to give me a ticket, but we arrived late because my sister is as slow as hell and so was my brother. we arrived just as they were about to start. DAAAAMN. i could've seen martin up close and i could've hugged him and i could've had my cd signed and i could've squealed girlishly when he did that and i could've gushed afterwards about how close i was to martin but I DIDN'T GET TO BECAUSE OF MY SISTER. aren, you are not at fault. what's more disappointing is that my aunt, who works at the philippine airlines, actually was STANDING BESIDE them the day they were waiting for they flight off the philippines and she DIDN'T KNOW WHO THEY WERE. i told her to watch out for boys like girls and i gave her their names but NOOO. SHE DIDN'T KNOW. GAHH.

3) i had my retreat. it was okay, i guess. THERE WERE DEFINITELY SOME ANNOYING PEOPLE THERE THAT I WANTED TO GLARE AT TO DEATH. i swear, if it was allowed, i would kill her bony ass. xDD HERE. STICK YOUR F*CKING P****L UP YOUR F*CKING NOSE. other than that, it was great. i love the star gazing part. gave me the opportunity to think things through and to have a jolly good laugh with michaela and michelle. haha. i didn't know off lotion could have such an effect on your mental health. the food was amazing. THE ATONEMENT FOUNTAIN. daaamn. i would have a fountain like that placed in my mansion someday. xDD

4) apollo's birthday and jake's birthday and artemis' birthday and john liam daniels' birthday. everbody had their effing birthday. schweet. i was talking to a drunk apollo and jake so that was fuhn. i prayed for jld and i know he's with jesus already. artemis... he lives to tell his tale. ZOMG. DID YOU FALL FOR HOLLY OR WHAT?!

5) social interaction. it was a blast. plenty of great dancers. awesome band. there were some really courteous people there that i had a laugh with. i like the person who gave me my name tag. he really tried to help me around and he actually was talking to me. everyone was great, honestly.

6) i had my exams. they basically melted what little brain i had, therefore effectively destroying all hope of me ever surviving in this hectic world. whoopee. i feel that at least for now, i'd get a higher grade in algebra unlike last quarter where i didn't even reach the middle of the scores. xDD chem is a definite failure so i'd be expecting a 75 there or something lower. religion was cool. and tle. and english. the others were just.. bleh. DAMMIT WILLIAM FAULKNER. I ALREADY THOUGHT OF YOU. GEORGE ORWELL JUST DISTRACTED ME. gahhh. i already thought that william was the right answer, but then i doubted and i went with george orwell and now BLEHH.

7) OCTOBER 10, 2008. finally had another outing with the shizztastical howmows. its been long since we had one wherein only one or two members were missing. well... we saw rusheen there, so it was cool. we were supposed to watch eagle eye but daaaaamn, what the hell happened? ANTAGAL NI MARLO DUMATING. YUNG TWO NIYA NAGING FOUR. haha. she doesn't know how to read time. xDD joke. we just hanged out at timezone wherein i bought a really cool (and handsome, and amazing, and mine) and SKANTASTIC SKANDAR CARD. SKAAAANDAR. *drools* *dies* *reborn* *dies again*

8) jan kicked my butt in upbeat. she's a meanie. and she was BRAGGING ABOUT IT. then joe tried it. and he kicked her butt. and then she bopped him in the head. xDD

soo... that's been my life basically. its a frequent uphill and downhill fight. i dunno what to do with it anymore. i'm definitely not giving it up though, because that'll be like.. blehh.

i'm still waiting for MISS CELINA JACINTO to get online so we could work on our campus radio dj tandem script. she said gonna come on A BIT AFTER LUNCH. if her lunch time is around 5 30, hot daaamn, that's late. haha. xDD my butt's in pain with this hard chair already. i'm still working on some rpg apps for those people out there. the SCRIPT MUST COME FIRST. did i mention our DJ DAY are TUESDAYS [international] for the month of OCTOBER. so listen out for us, we're gonna give you people what you want and what you need. xDD

recounting her infinitismal life,
devast8ed17dreamer

.o l d y e l l o w b r i c k s.

2008-08-31T00:08:00.000+08:00

Your Mind is 75% Cluttered

Your mind is quite cluttered. And like most clutter, it's a bunch of crap you don't need.

Try writing down your worst problems and fears. And then put them out of your mind for a while.

How Cluttered is Your Mind?

now you know why i'm horribly incapable of blogging everyday. its this damn mind i have. its just no use organizing shit when nothing happens with it. i never follow schedules, plans or anything. i act on spontaneity and irregularity. its my thang. xDD

You Are 54% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.

Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

so yeah. no matter how much i dream of world domination someday for myself, it ain't gonna happen. apparently i'm not big on the evil thang, so domination is the least of my abilities. don't worry though. i have my own way of evilness and its a damn good way too. xDD

Your Love Song Is

You and Me by Lifehouse

"Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do

Nothing to prove

And it's you and me and all of the people

And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you"

For you, love is very intense and a little difficult to express.

What Love Song Are You?

wow. i actually have that song on my itunes list. *double clicks on the title so the song plays to prove it* its a bit cheesy actually, but i like it. i like cheesy. it makes the world a cheesier place to live in which i think is fuuuuhn. me and love... we're not meant to be.

Your Vocabulary Score: A-

Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary!

You must be quite an erudite person.

How's Your Vocabulary?

now we know what results from bookworm-y attitude. my multifarious vocabulary, that is. if you don't know what multifarious means, i suggest you throw yourself out of the window. xDD kidding of course. i don't want to be accused of pushing suicide to people. i just love words. they happen to rock the shizz out of pictures.

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive.

Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men

You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

meh personality is all original, bebeh. all kowkow in da hood. xDD

so okay. this blog post is crap. y'know, i'm trying to kick start my dead brain here, so help me out. i can't come up with anything that is worthwhile to discuss. tell you what, let's take it like this. through my tagboard, you give me topics that are worthwhile to be discussed by myself, topics that you think i will find interesting, and i'll be sure to give it a shot and see if anything comes to mind about it. if anything does, i'll post about it and be sure to credit you in that post.

anyways, a load of stuff are coming nearer. first off, on monday, my long awaited monologue has arrived. it was supposed to be on tuesday, but we were asked to repeat due to the crappehness of our presentations. it was supposed to be on thursday, but we only finished two people and i was the seventh, and we didn't have filipino on friday which made it on monday. chyeah. its also artemis fowl and apollo hawk's birthdays so be sure to stick that out and i'll tell you anything we manage to talk about. that is, me and apollo, not me and arty. xDD on september the second, the PTC happens. parent-teacher conference. we're meant to receive our cards that day through our beloved makers. funn. on september third and fourth, our retreat is up. we get to go overnight, but the start of the third and end of the fourth are ladened with classes so its a bit crappeh. anyways, better start on that letter making shit.

think about what i suggested on the topic front. my life's been crappeh lately, what with school stuff and A CERTAIN GIRL *ahem*youknowwhoyouareandifyoudon'tiwon'tbothertonameyou*ahem* problem, so yeah, i can't think much. just help me out. ease my burden, dudes.

the one with the inability to think for herself,
devast8ed17dreamer

.p r a c t i c e m a k e s p e r f e c t s e n s e.

2008-07-16T23:33:00.000+08:00

bonjour.

normally i wouldn't bother with things like these because just like chain mail, i find them entirely irritating. the whole question-answer thing almost always get into my nerves, like you'll type in 'who are you thinking of at the moment?' and you'll also be the one to reply, 'seeecreeet'. i mean, why bother? still, this is more of a listing thing and quite frankly, i don't have anything else to do.

i don't know why the hell this thing comes with rules, but just in case they're required, i'd copy and paste it here from the one who tagged me, BEA GRAZIELA NIM.

RULES: Each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 10 weird habits/things/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs.

1) i'm bisexual. i don't deny the fact. if you're a teacher, please don't consider sending me to guidance counselling because you do not know how many i already have of that in my record. i was frankly disturbed last year because of the palihan thing and in first year, i had shouted to ms. martha that i was an outcast and was proceeded to the counselling to give an in depth explanation of that statement. back to the topic, i'm bi. don't get me wrong i like guys more, like REALLY MORE THAN the same sex, i.e. skandar, alex, james and a number of other people, but i find a number of girls strangely attractive in their own way which i also find really weird and disturbing, i.e. hayley williams, ellen page, samaire armstrong, keira knightley and other actresses, which means its probably just a fan thing.

2) i can't sleep without my toy dog. it may be a force of habit, but i always need it by my side when i go to sleep. if its not there, i find myself strangely lacking and will never be able to sleep. yeah, i'm a freaking child. xD

3) like most teenage girls in movies, i actually suddenly have that spurt of energy which makes me grab the brush, use it as a mike, jump unto my bed and sing at the top of my lungs. yeuch, but it happens. i don't dance though. if i dance, i would make it my personal agenda to kill myself.

4) i'm oddly addicted to greek mythology, iliad and the oddysey, tutankhamen and other prehistoric and historic mummies and pharaohs. i just find the idea of rotting, dead bodies kept inside a real golden coffin buried deep into the ground or hidden into a pyramid exciting.

5) i actually dream of being a sniper assasin type of mafia member who'd be tasked to kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong. haha. yeah, that's weird. i toy with the idea that i'd someday get really good with guns, bows and arrows, all forms of martial arts and everything else dangerous and get to kill people for a living. xD

6) i like jane austen's love life, which is sad considering her love life is sad. unrequited love with tom lefroy and the fact that she was born, grew and died without being a part of the sacrament of matrimony or even just dating or being in a relationship. it taught her a lot though.

7) i cry when i watch really sad movies or really inspiring ones. i cried when i watched into the wild. i cried when i watched la vie en rose. i cried in a lot of movies that are meant to be a tearjerker and though i'm embarrassed by it, i can't deny it. i think many people would tease me about this afterwards.

8) i dislike pretenders who pretend that they aren't pretenders, suck ups who deny that they're suck ups, extremely blonde people and by blonde i mean single-celled cro magnon (from the words of artemis fowl, my fantasy husband). i just believe in truth. i don't like it when i see someone pretending in front of someone else and that someone actually believing them. i think i can see right through a person and tell if they're pretending or not, it just pisses me off that they do it. if i hate you, i don't pretend to like you. i ignore you. i don't pretend that i like these people and even openly show that i hate them.

9) i'm a fan of cheesy gestures, cheesy lines, cheesy movies, cheesy music and cheesy food. okay, that was corny, but you get my point. i'm an old fashioned soul buried deep in a fifteen year old encased in an eight year old's body. i used to be a writer and i'd write (for what else did writers do) really cheesy poems, but now i don't know if i can even write a decent essay.

10) there's a lot about me you don't know. you think i'm naturally cheerful, you think i'm naturally optimistic, you even think that i'm smart when I SURE AS HELL AM NOT, because if i were, there'll be no 75, 76 and 77 in my algebra grade for the last two years and no 78 and 79 in my biology grade last year, so destroy all notions of my being smart because i also get pissed off when people say i'm smart. i hide a lot of myself from the general people that not even the closest of the close know it. so basically, the stuff i just said here are not much known facts but there are more more unknown than these.

so feast on that knowledge and wilt. i'd love to add more to these someday though. xD

the ever-so-mysterious little girl you passed by on the corridor,
devast8ed17dreamer

.a n a d d i c t f o r d r a m a t i c s.

2008-07-13T23:09:00.004+08:00

hmm.

i hate myself. i truly hate myself.

years before, i wouldn't have dreamt myself to be the kind of person to be reprimanded for using a cuss word. honestly, i had promised myself years before that i would never ever see the day that i would be uttering a single curse word like the other classmates that i have. i won't be dropping names but if you were my classmate years ago and you cursed then, then you know who you are. before, i used to be a nobody. i was like a freaking angel. let me tell you why i say this.

1) i only ever learned the presence of a thing called the internet at the age of 11, learned the knowledge of a thing called a computer at the same time as that. yes, if i hadn't had heard of 'friendster' and world wide web from one of my classmates, i wouldn't have known it was existent. it was at grade five and i was even apprehensive of using the internet because i had observed that it was addictive like nicotine. lots of people talked about friendster and it became sort of of popularity icon. either you had an account or you were one of those who were often out of place in most conversations that involved it, which prompted my want to have one. i didn't open it much because i didn't like using the computer then, i didn't comment on people because i didn't know you can and i didn't have pictures because i didn't know you could upload them. i was basically nobody.

2) i don't cuss. ever. when i hear a curse word then, i'd cover my ears and utter words loudly to block out the sound. it was like hell for me then to hear them and even worse to say them myself. i even hated those who i heard say them because i knew they were bad and prohibited. i don't even know what led to me even managing to convince myself to even learn those words, i just did. one day i was all holy and unwanting of it, the next i was saying it like i'd been saying it all my life. i don't know why, i don't know how, but sometimes, i regret having had heard and learned those words. now i feel so evil for saying them, especially since mrs. blanco brought to my attention that it was inappropriate. to her, thank you very much and though i would like to really change and really stop, it has become a force of habit that would probably take rehabilitation to stop. i'm sorry.

3) greenmindedness. y'know, i had no knowledge of things such as sex and porn and all that until my first year. i'm being serious here, so don't even think of saying 'ows' or 'daw'. i'm acknowledging the degradation of my being, which is something serious if i want to convince myself that i am becoming a worse person. i know it was said in grade six science that intercourse or something near that was the primary reason of everyone's existence, but it wasn't until a year later that i learned that there was something more than that. through some force of nature, people got to learn about the deeper idea of it and i won't divulge it, because i know you know that most of us have more knowledge than we let on about this, but we've all become gits. even the simple idea of human sexuality gets us giggling and laughing and even the simplest of notions and statements have us imagining dirty thoughts we didn't know was possible before. i won't deny it because even i am a person like this. i don't deny it, but that doesn't mean i like it. it just happened and now i can't get off the idea that even simple words like hotdog and balls can get people laughing like crazy. where did our innocence go?

4) irresponsibility. i have become so lazy even the simplest of tasks go undone. today, i wouldn't regret putting off homework to the last possible minute and even going to school without it goes unthought of. during my grade school days, i had this notion that the moment i return home, i'd tell my mother what my homework is, go do it and have fun afterwards. now, my mother doesn't even know all the antics i go into. heck, she doesn't even know i auditioned for the chorale, something she and my father had envisioned for me before, and hadn't been accepted. i didn't really tell them because i knew that there was a huge possibility that i wouldn't be accepted because of my nervousness and really, i didn't want to let them get their hopes up and learn that i didn't get accepted because i was too chicken and my voice was shaking and i was wringing my hands while i stood there like an idiot in front of ms. ilano, looking for all the world like an insecure little girl who had lost her mother and is about to cry unless she found her. oh, where was i? oh yes, i knew i'd disappoint myself as well so yeah, no extra curricular activities for koko, the girl who can't even manage to convince herself that she can actually do something and the biggest quitter in the whole world, but i'd get to that later. in grade four, i received my first line of 7 in my card because i didn't pass any of the projects in my art class. 78 in art, i remember you well. so i'm basically a lazy ass with no hope of ever achieving anything because she can't will herself to do anything.

5) i'm a quitter. i dream, i try, i fail, i quit. remember my grade school days when i was a part of the SINAG volleyball and attended ever single freaking session they had because i wanted to really improve my skill and maybe get somewhere with that? yeah, i tried to become better in volleyball even against people's taunting of me being the biggest loser with service, even with the teacher telling me over and over that i suck at being a part of a team because i almost always let the team down because of my inability to even let the ball hit my arm and return it to the other side, even with the teacher not even being able to remember my name and acknowledge me as someone who has an identity, even when i had to volunteer to always be the substitute because i know that there was the possibility that i wouldn't get to play and wouldn't end up embarrassing myself and making my team lose. i tried out for the varsity team in my first year, convinced that i had a chance because SINAG managed to hone my skill. boy was i wrong. i didn't pass and i would have been alright with it if the varsity hadn't been my lifeline to losing my double life as a swimmer. really, i was all tired of swimming then and was using volleyball to escape it. after i didn't get accepted, i quit volleyball altogether and never played it as leisure, only ever holding a ball during PE class. i quit swimming as well because i couldn't will myself anymore to do the laps every single day of my life and had convinced myself it was messing with my education, which it really was. i quit becoming a writer for the Theresian Magazine after i didn't get accepted for two straight years: grade five and six. auditioned for both, didn't get in for both. i quit taekwondo because people almost always kicked my ass, because i didn't get to do the breaking on account of my pity for the children i'd probably land on if i didn't get to do it, because i had received a black belt but will never be one because i didn't get to break, because of my fear of embarrassment, because of me crying when i took my black belt test and had been hit on the butt with a piece of wood by fifty people. i quit. i'm a quitter. i don't like it at all but i'm a paranoid person and i'm insecure. pitiful really.

6) i'm a fraud basically. every single day i pretend to be this shiny, happy person for everyone. i don't want to be all pitiful and make people sympathize with me like some emo person. no offense to emos though. at home, i'm the person everyone picks on. my brother surprises me every single time that he could because he knows i'm a nervous, jittery person that even the slightest of noises gets me jumping and he calls me a TEMO, which is a mixture of tibo and emo, meaning i'm a lesbian and an emo. he thinks i am but i'm not. he even says i have a girlfriend and embarrasses me every single dinner by telling everyone that i kiss women. my sister makes me feel insecure most of the time because everyone says that she's pretty. 'oi koko, ang ganda ganda ng ate mo! hindi kayo magkamukha! ang galing galing niya!' and she takes every opportunity to criticize my loser life. when one of her things go missing, she blames me only to find out that my younger brother stole it and doesn't even bother to apologize afterwards for her wrong. my younger brother calls me 'baboy' and 'tibo' which means that i'm fat and i'm a lesbo. he once defiled my book just for the heck of it. he clicks whatever button on the computer just to disturb me when i'm using it. he throws things at me and has convinced himself that we are not related whatsoever. my mother... i don't really want to add her here, but i can't help myself. whenever i try talking to her, she has this irritated tone in her voice that makes me feel as though she hates talking to me like, i ask her 'where's the cat?' and she'll answer 'i don't know! how am i supposed to know? do i own the cat? do i keep it with me always? why don't you use your eyes and look for it?' and then proceeds to rant off about everything. i don't hate her much, but when this happens, i feel like i'm the smallest person on the face of the earth and that's not even literally. my father... i don't know really. he nicked my phone for one, without permission and when i even do the slightest of things like take his book just to read the synopsis at the back, he tells me that i shouldn't take it because i always manage to lose things. he doesn't believe in allowing to have a pet because he's convinced that i'll kill it sometime soon. he sometimes sides with my brother on the whole lesbian frontier, just like everyone else in my family believes that i am, which prompts me to be the exact opposite. home? i don't like going home sometimes because i know what awaits me there. people take every opportunity to badger me and make me feel like i'm the biggest loser.

i don't know why i'm ranting off about this right now. its 11:00 PM and i have classes tomorrow. i just feel like shit most of these days and ever since june 7 of 2006, i've felt as though the world is against me. friends make me feel welcome and loved, but i don't know. this may become the reason of people taunting me and calling me emo, but i don't care. the truth can't remain hidden inside for so long. i'm a fake shiny, happy person outside. i convince myself otherwise but when i step back and look at my life, i realize how much it sucks and how much i just want to break free from this hell. why do i make friends from other countries? why do i wish to get out of here? why do i fervently wish i'm someone else? its all that above. sucks. sucks. sucks. my life does.

now that i think about it, i don't need a reason to say all this shit. i'm criticizing myself and myself alone. i may act like i'm a person who has no troubles at all, but i'm not. i can't even function well because i fear everything, even myself. i don't know how i can even function and live. sad right? more like pathetic.

your ever pessimistic and loser ass,
devast8ed17dreamer

.i h a v e r e a c h e d a n a l l t i m e l o w.

2008-06-20T16:18:00.000+08:00

Hola, mi amigos.

Now I know what you're all thinking. How odd is it that she's only posting in her blog after what... months? I have no idea myself, but I have this sentiment inside me that if I don't let out before the hour ends, I could end up banging my head on the keyboard and trust me, you don't want that. When that happens, a series of crazy antics would follow that would end up with me horribly bruised and maybe slightly bleeding, probably my lips and my knuckles.

Back to my point...

Today is June 20, 2008. Nothing particular about the date, just wanted to say it out for documentation in my mind. I've been surfing around the net, been observing my environment in school. We've been reshuffled, so new faces and new places! Bleh, I'm not that enthusiastic about it, but so far I'm coming to liking my class. I just don't like to think of what would happen to me when Dance Production practices for the Family Day comes. In my height, I have no doubt that pyramids include me on the top. Damn gymnastics and its movements!

Anyways, I've come to notice that the amount of Skandar lovers are growing. In an alarming rate, might I add. I mention Skandar's name and lo and behold, people are shouting 'Wow, he's so cute!' or 'He's mine!' Now this is alarming for someone who has loved Skandar for years. To understand why I'm being hyped up and mad about this, we would have to start from the beginning.

THE ADDICTION STARTS HERE.

It was another one of those weekends. You know, the one where you go out with your family and you walk around the mall aimlessly? Yepp, it was another one of those weekends. This time, we were in Gateway, which is in Cubao. Its relatively new then and not much shops, but then we weren't there to buy. We don't buy much anymore since prices hiked to like whoa! prices. We were just walking when we happened to pass by the 'Next Attraction' windows, which showed posters of movies about to come out. I happened to have glanced on the second window from the left ((yeah, I remember details like these because it involves Skandar, my husband)) and I saw the adorable writing of 'The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe'. Then, I wouldn't have minded it, but a week before that, without knowing if its coincidence or not, I had downloaded and read the ebook of the first two books of the series and have come to like it. You can say I was excited to see the movie, if only to see if it did the book justice because it was then that my admiration for the awesome writer Clive Staples Lewis was starting and any less of his books into movies would be injustice indeed. It was then that I took note of just who the Pevensie children were, and as I followed it, pointing at their faces with my finger and murmuring 'Peter... Susan... Lucy... Edmund', I stopped on Edmund and did a double take. In my mind, I was saying, "Holy arsing crap. Edmund is da bomb!' and yes, those were my exact words. Shit, he was cute, even at first sight! I stared at him for a good two minutes before I had to run after my family and when I went home that night, I immediately searched for his name on the internet and came across the fact that his name was Skandar Keynes. And that, my friends, became the start of my addiction. I started saving pictures, watching interviews, memorizing facts and if ANYONE dares challenge me to a trivia fight about him, I would crush them to no end and without mercy.

When I went to school, I ranted to my friends about how I've seemingly found the cutest, most lovable guy on a poster. I told them his name was Skandar Keynes and kept on prodding them to search about him. They did, well... at least some of them and told me that he wasn't that appealing. Of course, outwardly, I just laughed it off and told them that I still thought otherwise, but inside, my adamant and hardheaded side was pushing through. No, he was cute and he will remain cute till I die, was my thought. So I held on to him and until the movie came out, silently adored him. When we watched them movie on its Premiere here at the Philippines, which was on a Sunday, January 15, 2006, 07:10 PM at the Greenhills Theatre for 160 pesos per ticket, seated on seats B02 to B05 and C03 to C06 ((told you I pay attention to details when it comes to Skandar, I wrote this all down on a diary when I finished the movie, kept the tickets and dreamed about it when I went to sleep)). When I went to school the next day, I ranted and ranted and ranted at just how CUTE AND HANDSOME AND TALENTED AND WONDERFUL AND AMAZING SKANDAR was in the movie, but people said he was a traitor and that he was like a small child and blah blah blah. William Moseley still won them over, but STILL, I laid my faith on Skandar and after years, kept tabs on the arrival of the next movie. I didn't miss a beat on his pictures, his photoshoots, his interviews, his magazines, his facts, everything.

Now, at about January to March of the year 2008, news of Prince Caspian started to spread around the net. Actually, it started at the latter of the year before, but it only became evident at 2008. Of course, I was first to know and started to inform my friends that we had, we MUST WATCH the movie on its premiere, because my husband would want it and I would not want any less than to see him first. So we planned and we decided to watch, with my paying for all of it. Through the months, I kept tabs on Skandar's pics for the movie, and with every picture, my heart stopped. I was like, 'Whoa, Skandar! You grew up hawt!'. Some people still didn't believe me, but I didn't care. I liked.. no, loved him and that was that. So the movie came out on June 4, 2008 and I watched it with four of my friends, even seating on the very first row of the movie. Damn, the theatre was filled with people! Seriously, it was. So we watched the movie and every scene that involved Skandar earned my seatmate a punch on the shoulder and a squeal from my lips. Damn, he was so freaking good as an actor and IMMENSELY HOT AND GORGEOUS. From his childish look at CoN:LWW, he became like a young adult for Prince Caspian. It was unbelievable! Plus, Prince Caspian gave him justice, showing his radical change from the traitor sibling to the imminent and responsible king. Peter was more of the vulnerable one here and with Prince Caspian not really doing much, you can say he was really needed. Plus, he was really funny and it did the character Edmund's sarcasm justice to have Skandar play him.

When I went to school, people were saying that Skandar was gorgeous and a lot of girls had crushes on him. There are approximately 2 on my bus, 1 on my class and 3 from my old class. What makes me mad about this is how people stake the claim that they know him more than I do, that they're the first fan, that they really are the ones who discovered just how good he was. Now you may think that I'm blowing this off proportion, or that I'm taking this way seriously, but really, nobody knows just how much a topic is close to my heart unless they cross me about it. I have stuck with Skandar Keynes for years, even to the point of buying a copy of the movie Ferrari, if only to see his child form in it. Seriously, nobody can get as addicted as I am to him, so why even say that to my face? The fact that people say to me that 'Hey, he's mine!' when the very fact that none of us will have him ((unless fate intervenes and God answers my prayers. Please, God? Bring him to me?)) makes this statement false. I know its just a phrase, something to show that we do feel greatly about him, but here is one girl, having believed in him for years when people say that he looks weird, being told that someone else likes him more than she does when years before she was trying to convince EVERYONE around her just how amazing the guy is, is just not fair. Its not fair, it doesn't do my faith and my steadfast addiction to Skandar justice.

Yeah, I'm being weird. I'd pass the link to this post to everyone and hopefully, nobody would come to saying to me with a prod on my shoulder, a shout to my ears, a note on my desk or even just on passing, that they like Skandar MORE than I do, because honestly, that's impossible. Nobody knew him before Prince Caspian and I have held on to him since I first saw the poster a YEAR before the movie came out. Yeah, its an infatuation, and it may be declared bad for my health, but whatever. I'm a teenager, I'm free to stick to anyone I want to. I wouldn't give out any specific names ((hey, you know who you are!)) but I just want to be dutifully given what is rightfully mine. In other words, Skandar is mine, dammit!

And to Skandar Keynes, if ever this blog of mine comes to passing to your eyes, know that I'm not really this weird. I'm weirder actually, but that's not the point. Don't be alarmed and maybe have guards detain my and shoot me down because I became too addicted to you. Yeah, it is weird to have fans fawning over you and I know that Will said you have girls' disease, but you are handsome, so we can't really help it.

Loving Skandar forever and ever, his number ONE Filipino fan and self-proclaimed wife,
devast8ed.dreamer

.d e f e a t o f t h e u n d e f e a t a b l e.

2008-04-20T23:55:00.000+08:00

This blog pretty much contains most of my sentiments about myself, especially my sentiments about my faults and problems. I mean seriously, I come to think of myself as someone selfless, but upon reading this blog, all I can think of is 'When did I became so conceited?' Its messed up really but I cannot find any solution to it, so I'll just try to forget about it, which doesn't really take that long anyhow.

I shall now explain to you the reasons behind my slightly mysterious and stupid title. Honestly, I can't come up with anything else to describe what I am to say and that... well, Holly Short [a character from the Artemis Fowl Series whose name became the name of my mind and my conscience] came up with it so I went along with it. If this sucks, Holly, you are to be blamed and maimed!

In a not so garish [as if] fashion, I would like to inform the world that the title of MY FAVORITEST BOOK has been defeated. If you do know me well, which I think you do since you know the address of my blog. If not, congratulations uponst finding this and I hope you read a bit before hastily leaving with your retinas burned. As I was saying, if you do know me well, you'll know that my FAVORITEST BOOK is... or are the Artemis Fowl Series of books: Artemis Fowl, Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident, Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code, Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception, Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony. And to think, it was my father who introduced me to this series. I remember it like it was only a second ago. One night he came home, with this plastic from National Bookstore. I was sitting on my parents' bed and suddenly, when he came in, he threw the plastic to me and said, "Libro para sayo. Diba mahilig ka magbasa? O ayan. (A book for you. Don't you like reading? Then there.)" I admit that I am a bookworm but when I pulled out the book, my hopes dissipated. I voiced out my thoughts without even reviewing them. "Artemis Fowl? Title pa lang, kaduda duda na. Ayoko nian! (Artemis Fowl? Even the title sounds dodgy. I don't want it!)" Having no choice, I did start reading the book and lo and behold, I soon found myself buying the second book and finishing it in just a day. In a week, I had finished all three books. That was how I started to become a fan of the book and its maker. I was, and still am, horribly addicted to this series from the amazing Irish [gotta love them people] author Eoin Colfer. The combination of wit and adventure that accompanies these lovable characters make this series a very fantastic read and if you are looking for something to get immersed and lost in, then this series is for you. That is, if you're a fan of sci-fi. If not, then you may find yourself throwing the series across the room. Sadly enough, I would hunt you down, pull your inwards out and push your outwards in if you did that, capisce?

I didn't make this post to contemplate my addiction to Artemis Fowl though. As the title says and as I have said with subtlety, it which looked undefeatable has been defeated by a book that you did not expect to even come an inch to it. I'm sorry to the author of this book, but the cover looked plain in itself that nobody would have thought of it defeating the almighty Artemis Fowl. We had bought it from Power Books at the Mall of Asia. It wasn't the first book I wanted to buy. If anything, I didn't even know it existed. I was looking for Jango and had come across this book while I was on the search for it. The cover piqued my interest, but I didn't take it because I still believed that I was going to find Jango. When I didn't, which was about after 30 minutes of searching, I took the book and had my father buy it. I started reading it while walking along the mall and though I wasn't much a fan of 1ST POV (point of view) books, unless they were written exceptionally well), I found myself liking the story more and more with each passing page. Pretty soon I couldn't take my eyes off the words of this fantastic book. I finished it in one day! Not that that's a surprise buuuuut... yeah. I know you're wondering, "what's the title of this book she keep blabbering about? I just want to find out and leave this pathetic blog behind!" Okay, okay, I'll say it. It's...

SPUD
John Van De Ruit

Spud is the title of a 2005 book by South African author, actor, playwright and producer, John Howard van de Ruit. a comedy novel that catches the humor of life in boarding school, as the not so popular boy John 'Spud' Milton. The book is in the style of a diary, and records the experiences of a new boy, John Howard Milton (nicknamed 'Spud' because his testicles haven't yet dropped) just starting at a private boarding school in the Natal Midlands, as well as the often eccentric characters found in such an environment. This description also extends to Spud's family. The book is set in South Africa in 1990, against the historical background of the unbanning of the ANC and Nelson Mandela's release from Victor Verster Prison. The description of the school, its setting and characters, are a thinly-disguised description of Michaelhouse for boys, from which the author matriculated in 1993. This is a book that adds to the life of going to a boarding school, getting your first girlfriend, or overcoming your spudlyness.

You don't even have to think twice about where I got that plot. Haha. You'd be surprised to find out that Eoin Colfer also has a book with Spud on it, entitled, "The Legend of Spud Murphy" but that has no connection to this. I tell you, this book is pure genius. You just can't help but love Spud because everything about him: his quirks, his spudness, his talents, make him look so... human. Anyone who has been to any kind of school or even just a teenager can definitely relate to what John Milton (the character, not the author) got into. Accompanied with the Crazy Seven (which makes them the Crazy Eight), they managed to give color to this book and make life in a boarding school sound so much fun than how they depict it in movies. I think John Van De Ruit is probably one of the most brilliant authors of this time and I can say that with as much conviction as I can say that Eoin Colfer is also one of the most brilliant authors of this time. There is something about this book, the thought of going through what he goes through (especially his birthday and the bit at the end. won't spoil it for some!) and understanding his feelings and maybe, the decisions that he makes that you think are stupid when you hear it, but when you read it from his POV, you seem to understand. Spud is a very interesting read and I recommend it to anyone who wants to have a good laugh about the oddness... or shall I say the spudness that is adolescence.

I don't just want to get into that though. There's so much more to Spud that I want to indulge to you all but I don't want to be the one to relate the story. I want to be the one to convince you to buy the book, read it, love it then buy the second one and love it just the same, or even more. You'd think that Spud is just that, a book about boys growing up. Spud is a... series. I'm not sure if it will become like a real lengthy series like The Chronicles of Narnia (which I also love), The Lord of the Rings (amazing), The Harry Potter series (the 5th and beyond were disappointing), The Artemis Fowl series (CHYEAH!) or the A Series of Unfortunate Events (fortunately beautiful). It only has a sequel to it as of yet but I do believe that John Van De Ruit would find it within himself to think of a sequel to the sequel, or we numerous countless fans will convince and torture him to do it otherwise. Behold the sequel to Spud, the book who defeated Artemis Fowl from his throne...

SPUD: THE MADNESS CONTINUES

John Van De Ruit
(want a preview? go here: EXCERPT)

I have yet to buy the sequel but I assure you that if I do, I will post a lengthy review about it in this blog. Take heed to await it because when it comes... I don't know what will happen. I happened to have read some reviews of this sequel around by fans and new fans, and I have to say that their words have gotten my intrigued to no end about it. If only it wasn't so late (or early), I would come up with a more dignified review of SPUD, but my fingers are tired and my brain is malfunctioning, so I'll make that awesome review of the first book later. Anyhow, Spud: The Madness Continues relates of the story of Spud's Second Year in boarding school with the Crazy Seven (you have to read the book to find out why from Crazy Eight, they became the Crazy Seven), severe bullies, erratic teachers and convoluted women. Indeed, I am beginning to get excited about this book and will start my hunt for it tomorrow... or later, since its already April 21st.

Strolling away from the topic of Spud, I would like to greet an extremely important person to me. Ladies and Gents, let us greet this incredibly talented and awesome person because today is the day of his birth.

HAPPY 29TH BIRTHDAY,
JAMES ANDREW MCAVOY!

You don't quite look your age, but it doesn't matter. I am one of your biggest fans and admirers! To think that I used to have no idea as to who you are, but upon seeing you on The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe and on Becoming Jane, I immediately concluded you as an incredibly talented and versatile actor and dashingly handsome too. To James Andrew McAvoy, who is probably going to celebrate his birthday with his wife, Anne Marie Duff-McAvoy, the best of luck to you and all your future endeavors.

.C U R R E N T L Y.

READING: Twisted by Jessica Zafra. I consider her one of the most amazing Filipino authors.
FEELING: elated, excited. James McAvoy's birthday!
LISTENING: Loose Lips by Kimya Dawson from the JUNO soundtrack. Astonishingly good.

Making the world a fan-filled place,

devast8ed.dreamer

.t h e n e e d t o b e l i e v e.

2008-03-31T16:12:00.000+08:00

Excerpt from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. A brilliant author by anyone's terms, may he/she be stupid or not. If you have read the book, this is the Prologue of it. If not, then this may pique your interest and get you to reading it.

The Alchemist picked up a book that someone in the caravan had brought. Leafing through the pages, he found a story about Narcissus.
The alchemist knew the legend of Narcissus, a youth who knelt daily beside a lake to contemplate his own beauty. He was so fascinated by himself that, one morning, he fell into the lake and drowned. At the spot where he fell, a flower was born, which was called the narcissus.
But this was not how the author of the book ended the story.
He said that when Narcissus died, the goddesses of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears.
"Why do you weep?" the goddesses asked.
"I weep for Narcissus," the lake replied.
"Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus," they said, "for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand."
"But... was Narcissus beautiful?" the lake asked.
"Who better than you to know that?" the goddesses said in wonder. "After all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!"
The lake was silent for some time. Finally, it said:
"I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected."
"What a lovely story," the alchemist thought.

I would greatly like to think like that lake. Of course, his words were hugely viewed as that of a narcissist, just like how Narcissus was to the lake, but think of this... Would the lake be narcissistic if it weren't for the fact that the lake has something to be proud on? Don't get me wrong. I'm not one to say if the lake is indeed as beautiful as he thinks he is, but at least, he has some self esteem to think so. The lake sounded a bit arrogant and conceited, ignoring the fact that someone actually appreciated his banks, if just to see his own reflection in it. That lake, or maybe even that person named Narcissus, is admirable. I want to be like them. Hell, I need to be like them.

Here's the thing: I'm not saying that I want to be narcissistic, arrogant, boastful or conceited, which does point to one thing: interminably liking myself and only myself. I can never, ever be satisfied with myself, so don't even come to thinking that I'm narcissistic, or I will blow your head off your neck with a shotgun or rifle. I want to have self esteem. Let me define self esteem, for those of you unfortunate enough to have encountered this word before or have encountered this word, but didn't know what it meant. SELF ESTEEM: a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect. I also happened to see that self esteem is said to be synonymous to pride, which some of you may say is bad. Not all pride is bad, what's bad is your exaggeration of it and if you're boasting about it. Self esteem... well, it gives you something to appreciate about yourself. Hmmm... a bit too much to think of at this age, but take heed. Self esteem, to whoever, in whatever age, when low and lacking, will definitely wreak havoc to them.

In my case, I have a severe lack of self-esteem. If you do not know me, then you're not aware of the things that I say about myself. If you have read my past posts, then you know how much being myself is hectic and problematic. Even now, I'm finding it hard to organize my thoughts and type it down, so I apologize if I may go this way and that and get a tad bit confusing. I'm paranoid, I have insomnia, I have a definite anger towards everything I do, which at often times I believe is not exactly what should've been done. To simply put it, I defy all the laws of liking yourself. If someone ever came up to me and asked if I would want to start my life over as someone else, I would gladly say yes while jumping up and down. But of course, I shan't ever be given that choice, as nothing in this life is irreversible once you've put it into action. I may have my regrets, but the things in this life that I have found magical will always be with me, regretted or not.

I want to believe in myself. I want to be the girl who knows that she can do something great if only she sets her mind to it. I want to be the kind of person that people respect not because she demands respect, but because she respects. I want to be someone who could actually be of importance to this world and that after a few years, would be remembered for something great she did. I now sound like I'm posing for a Centrum commerical, and would probably end up saying, 'I want to be complete.' which kinda sucks because being incomplete is what I want to be. I don't want to be perfect. I like being imperfect, because being imperfect gives me a valid enough reason to keep on striving to be even just near perfect. If I am perfect, which I will never be seeing as nobody's perfect, I wouldn't have the need to do anything even remotely improving of myself, because nothing needs improving anymore. I like being imperfect, but I like to be imperfect and love myself for it.

Wanting doesn't really mean needing. I want this, but what if I don't need it? Is it really necessary? I don't know. Is it necessary for me to like myself? Yes, because you need to like yourself before you can truly like others. Liking others without liking yourself is just a form of shallow liking. If ever Mark Twain is alive right now, I know he'd slap me in the head for not making any sense anymore. Sorry Mark Twain, I'm defying psychology. Haha. Anyways, I want and I need to grow to liking myself. That's just the end to it. I'm afraid that like Narcissus though, liking myself too much may lead to my downfall.

But I think what that story was trying to say was that real beauty cannot be seen by a person him/herself. It can only be truly seen through another's eyes. The lake, in all its splendor and greatness, never managed to see its own beauty by itself. It only managed to contemplate itself when Narcissus appreciated him. In this act of working together, both managed to see the beauty of each other, one physical and the other more of inside beauty. Narcissus, by looking at the lake, only managed to contemplate his beauty outside. But the lake, when Narcissus appreciated it and looked at it everyday to see his own beauty, saw its own beauty through Narcissus's eyes. It isn't talking about physical beauty like Narcissus, but its speaking in a level that Narcissus didn't managed to comprehend because he never got past his physical appearance. The lake found itself beautiful because someone appreciated it and found it entirely useful. Through the time that Narcissus spent by the lake, the lake managed to realize that it could be of use to anyone and indeed, it was beautiful even just for that purpose. What a beautiful story indeed.

Hating myself for making a useless blog post,
devast8ed.dreamer

.h o r t o n h o r r o r.

2008-03-24T21:28:00.001+08:00

Paranoid.I am absolutely, negatively positive that I am so paranoid, it makes me wonder how I can even exist in this world. Now you may be asking yourself, "WTF does this have to do with what she has to post?" Then, I'll probably reply to you in a somewhat nonchalant way, but truly harboring significantly preposterous and evil thoughts, something like: "If you don't like it, then f*ck off!" Kidding. No seriously, if you don't like the introductions, then don't read them. That a problem? Haha.

Here's the connection though:

The other day, me and my family went to TriNoma to watch a movie entitled "Horton Hears A Who." which stars Jim Carrey, Seth Rogen, Steve Carrell, Jonah Hill, Carol Burnett and JESSE MCCARTNEY. For once, I actually agreed with my brother in expressing my intimate hatred in watching the movie, although mine was only for the current moment. His was, "I don't want to watch this movie. EVER." Mine was, "I don't want to watch this movie. FOR NOW." since there was like Step Up 2, Meet the Spartans and other cooler movies. Don't get me wrong, I REVERE Jim Carrey to the highest, HIGHEST esteem. The THREE MOST REVERED COMEDIANS OF KOWKOW (also called THE J GODS) : 1) Johnny Depp, 2) Jim Carrey, 3) Jack Black. Some really good runners up that would've made it to the list, had it not been for three only: Jackie Chan, Jamie Kennedy, Justin Long, Jon Stewart (the OSCARS was fantastic), Jim Belushi and other comedians. Anyways, as I was so lengthenly (is there such a word?) saying, we went to TriNoma, ate, bought the tickets and went on our merry way (for some, AKA my sister) to the cinema. I have to admit, I changed my mind when the movie started. IT WAS FREAKING HILARIOUS. Now I understand why its more popular than Drillbit Taylor, 10000 BC, Shutter, Vantage Point, PARANOID PARK, which is so DAMN beautiful and MISS PETTIGREW LIVES FOR A DAY, which showcases Amy Adams' flexibility to act as anything she pleases and the guy in there is so hot. God, comedy rules the year. Who knew elephants can be so damn famous? They can even beat PENELOPE, which stars the former child star, now adult phenomena Cristina Ricci, the ever-so-hot actor who has starred in a variety of movies that shows much of his abilities, James McAvoy and Academy Award winner who divorced the stunning Ryan Philippe, Reese Witherspoon. Back to my story. So when the time came, we entered the cinema and proceeded to watch the movie. It was funny and I came to love Horton and Morton (who is exceedingly cute!). Where's the twist in the story? Wait for it, wait for it...

WARNING:
next part comes with spoilers to the movie HORTON HEARS A WHO!

We were at the part where the mayor of WHOville was relating to the board of whatever that he has been sensing some changes in WHOville and that he was thinking that in lieu of this situation, they can postpone the WHOcentennial, which is a celebration of the 100 years that WHOville has existed in peace and happiness. The board gets all riled up about it and the audience (in the movie) gets shocked at the mayor's words. This button is pressed, which drops this cylindrical glass on the mayor and the board thingy, wherein a member then proceeds to strangle the mayor. It becomes silent in this part, as the cylindrical glass part seems to shut out any words exchanged by the board and the mayor. So we watch in silence and the movie is in silence. you can say that it was as if an angel passed by because of the silence in the cinema, but here comes the catch. In the movie, the cylindrical glass part is removed, restoring sound in the movie, where the audience proceeds to communicate with each other and the board of thingymajig announces that the WHOcentennial continues. Wait for it... here comes the twist. So sound returns, right? I then hear this weird sound that doesn't sound at all like its in the movie. I look at the side of the screen, past the part where the movie is being screened. There seemed to be this cloud thing emitting at the side of the screen. At least, that was how I saw it at first. I immediately knew that it wasn't part of the movie, and I ... started to panic. YES FOLKS, I PANICKED. My paranoia kicked in and I started to think of worst-case scenarios about the mysterious thing. I first thought that it was poison being mixed with the air we were breathing, which in time shall spread and kill us all, or maybe even just knock us out until the culprits came and kidnapped all of us. Second I thought was that terrorist have taken over TriNoma and we were the unfortunate victims of their rise to power. Third thought was that aliens were taking over the world and that everyone outside that room were already dead, and us being the last of the survivors of this tragic demise, we were just going to be knocked out and experimented with, probably probed and dissected. Now you know why I didn't want to dissect those poor, innocent frogs. But then, just as I came up with those worst-case scenarios and was about to inform my father of the goings-on, a woman before us stands up and shouts, "Tubig!" In an instant, all my worst-case scenarios dissipated, only to be replaced with new ones concerning water and our untimely deaths. First was that the room would be flooded with water, just like in the movies, and we would all drown in it and die. Second was that only the first floor would be flooded and we would all be trapped in the upper part of the cinema, and as the water slowly rises, we also slowly rise to the highest part of the cinema, saying our prayers as we go. We stand there, waiting for the water to reach us and kill us all. Third was that we would be able to get out of the cinema, but the water would suddenly become stronger and chase after us outside, which in time would overtake us and drown us and effectively kill us. When I had thought of all that, which happened in a span of like ten seconds, I didn't know why or what had pushed me to do it, but I raised my hand to my mouth and shouted, loud enough for everyone to hear and my companions to sense, "Oh my god." Of course, I was overwhelmed a bit about what was happening and the scenes that I had thought of didn't exactly appease me. Well, it wasn't as if every time you went to the cinema you expected water to flood out by the side of the screen and effectively wet the landing of the cinema, right? By that time, my father had become aware of the situation and started to shout out instructions to all of us, pertaining to myself, my sister, my brother, my cousin and our two yayas, telling us to follow his lead as he proceeded to the exit doors, carefully avoiding any contact with the water, which reeked of some animal's carcass that has been stored for millenniums. We made it out side the cinema fully dry and alive, which somehow made me breathe a little easier and my worst-case scenarios disappearing, except for the water chasing us out. Cinema personnel kept apologizing to us and the people who were inside the cinema with us, telling that they would gladly refund the tickets or if we wanted, they would just make us watch any other movie that we wanted to watch, i.e. Step Up 2 or Over Her Dead Body. I kept insisting that we just watch Step Up 2, while still watching as janitors, plumbers, security guards, cinema personnel and even some civilians enter the cinema. We went to the ticket salesperson, and had our tickets refunded, with my sister sulking at how "TriNoma sucks" and how disappointed she was to have been left hanging. See, when we piled up in the car and was just outside our village, we were debating on whether to watch the movie in TriNoma or Gateway, and my sister had instantly replied "TriNoma!" and look where that got us. My brother started teasing her, saying how "Horton malas!", seeing as how he had been repeatedly saying before that we shouldn't watch watch Horton. We then proceeded to exchange our feelings about the situation and our theories about why it had happened in the first place.

So that was it. That was what happened in my life on March 22, 2008. Dare I say it, it was the most excitement I have had during this summer vacation. You may say that I'm boring or that I have no sense of excitement, but let's face it, if you were watching that movie with me, would you have expected that to happen? IN A CINEMA? I should think not. We didn't get to finish the movie nor did we watch another movie when we were forced to exit the cinema. Basically, it sucked but it was so effing fun and exciting! I LOVE IT. haha.

This experience led me to further prove to myself that I am indeed paranoid, added to myself being afraid of plugging in any electronics for fear of electrocuting myself, reluctance of opening the stove for fear that it will explode and burn me, reluctance of staying alone in a room for fear of someone.. or something watching me, reluctance of riding a rollercoaster or anything remotely dangerous for fear of it crashing and killing me, reluctance of touching any animal that I have not proven safe for fear of it eating me or removing any part of my anatomy, reluctance of taking many pictures for fear of it being seen by a murderer and me ending up being kidnapped and killed, and other more mundane things. I live in a life of fear of everything else, when in truth all that I should fear is myself. Everything about myself is bogging me down from doing anything that would give me a true sense of happiness and excitement. These fears that I have are hindering me from stepping out into the world and showcasing who I can be and what I can do. Paranoia, some of us get it, some of us don't, but we all feel fear and fear... Fear is our worst enemy.

Making the world a more fear-filled place,
devast8ed.dreamer

.a n g e r i s s u e s.

2008-03-19T16:57:00.000+08:00

People say I have anger issues. They're probably right but there have been several times where I tried to deny it and I got plenty of negative replies about it. Take this conversation for example:

JAN: kowkow, i think you have anger issues. no, I KNOW you have anger issues. lmao.
KOWKOW: wtf? bloody hell! i do not have effing anger issues! what makes you arsing think i have f*cking anger issues? you're insane.
JAN: that and several other conversations like that. plus, you also are extremely violent and prone to killing someone within 5 meters of you. i think that constitutes to having anger issues.
KOWKOW: oh.... i think you're right.
boomJOEtastic: O.o know i know why ladies freak me out. booyah!

then Jan proceeds to tackle Joe and the two start to roll on the floor, fighting, which eventually ends up with the two of them snogging each other's faces off...

back to my point.

So I presume it is true that I have anger issues. No, I don't actually presume, its more of a confirmation of what I truly am. Deny as I may, the evidence speaks for itself. I wonder now from whom of my parents had I inherited such a trait, though I don't particularly remember any of them exploding in anger when they have issues. Still, this may cause a problem in my future life, i.e. no friends, public humiliation, eternal stress and persistent headaches. God, I have a terrible problem in me. I also believe that I have an OCD, which I was led to believe considering me being such a neat freak, my need to go upstairs two steps at a time and my sudden hitting of my head without any particular reason. I try to stop the stairs thing, but I can't. Either my feet are so used to it, or I'm just too darn addicted to it. The hitting of the head has no explanation whatsoever, and then neat freak... well, you should see my collection of books, which are stacked by size, by series and by author. Anyways, I'm mentally challenged, I know that now. My future life shows signals of eternal damnation in a padded cell, a straight jacket and constant medication. I assume a psychiatrist, a psychologist or maybe even my parents can cause me to think otherwise, but oddly enough, in my craziness, I actually anticipate a life of craziness. Fun, no? Whatever. Hopefully I'll get over them some time, even if my subconscious is telling me, "No! Don't fight it... Live with it... Live crazy..."

.C U R R E N T L Y.

FEELING: bored. down. confused.
WEARING: pb and j... kidding. PJs.
EATING: keebler's chips deluxe chocolate lovers cookies.
DOING: breathing, thinking of what to type, typing what has been thought, assessing said typed.
READING: flipped by van draanen.
LISTENING: coldplay. my addiction for them just came back.

making the world a crazier place,
devast8ed.dreamer

f o r s t a r t e r s . . .

2008-03-18T00:13:00.000+08:00

Greetings!

I was never one for introductory posts. I've always felt as if they were faked or forced. I mean, is there even a need for them? Would you visit the blog of a person you do not know? Unless its about celebrities though or gossip. Still, wouldn't you take the time to get to know the owner of the blog first before reading what they had to say? So if you didn't know them, you could just close the tab and make it all disappear? But then, that may as well be the purpose of introductory posts, to make known who you are and what exactly is in this place. Then what is the profile for? ... yeah. I'm weird.

So... let me come up with an introduction.

“The mere process of growing old together will make our slightest acquaintances seem like bosom friends.”

In lieu of that beautiful quote from Logan Pearsall Smith...

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!

By my, I am referring to myself, namely Korina Kristelle Gargantiel Diamante. I am in no way famous, nor am I infamous, but I am of a mere existence in this person-filled world. This blog contains most of my sentiments and ramblings, so do not worry if you find it hard to understand I word I say, because most of them don't make sense anyhow. I am a bit complicated and being young, you may find my words mistrustful or fake, but I cannot care. I cannot care about what people think because if I did, I'd be dead by now. So welcome, feel free to cast a look around.